Dumbass! And Trying to Find My Happy

I got out of a four year relationship about four months ago. I thought that I was going to marry this guy. It all started off with me realizing that I didn’t know myself as a person; I only knew myself as “Brandon’s girlfriend”, as did everyone else. This is mainly my fault because he was pretty much the only thing I’d talk about. He was also the only person that I would hangout with. And a lot of the desicions I made went through him before I would act on them. It went all the way down to, “Hey, baby, do you think I could post this picture?”. So I told him that I thought we should break up so that I could “find myself” (I already know, *eye roll*), which of course ended dramatically. I didn’t really think that would be the full end of our relationship. I just thought that we would break up for a bit and then come back together, but I also didn’t want to take a break because I knew he would have expected me to check in with him and I would still feel guilty for even talking to other guys. I did let him know that I wasn’t sure if this was the true end of it and that if I found out I would tell him. I also told him that I didn’t expect him to wait around for me, if he found someone else within my “discovery” time that he could move on and I wouldn’t hold it against him. To be honest I think breaking up with him was one of the best decisions I made and I didn’t even tell anyone that I was going to do it. Well, after I made the commitment I felt very lost. And I noticed that I didn’t know how to make myself happy. I didn’t want to be alone whatsoever, I was always trying to make plans to avoid being by myself with my thoughts. And I knew that when I would make those plans I was just trying to distract myself and that was okay because I was in the first stage of the break up. I had gone from sleeping with one guy to three (Not all at once. Even though it’s perfectly fine for a woman to do that too.). But then soon I realized that I needed to take charge and I should be able to be alone without feeling empty. Now this part of the process started about two months ago, so I’m still working on it. After a while longer, I told him that we weren’t getting back together and it was final. Boy did he throw a fit! He was yelling at me, he yelled at my sister, he even yelled at my mum. I lost all respect for him after that. About fifteen minutes later he called me, and  I just screamed at him. That day, I found out that I could be a very mean person, especially when you disrespect my family. It stayed like that for a bit then he apologized and asked if we could be friends. After he apologized and asked several more times I agreed. This next part I have to start out by informing you that he spoiled me in the relationship, but not always with good intentions because later he would use the typical “Well, I got this for you now you have to do these things for me.” method. So one of the things he gave me was a tablet because he got it for free with his new phone. At the time I didn’t have a phone and he thought it would be a good way to talk rather than sharing my mum’s phone. So I had all of my social media shit on there, logged in and opened. After a while, I ended up getting a phone so I didn’t use the tablet. And, as electronics do when they don’t get charged, it died. When Brandon and I had our last argument, he took away the tablet. Well, two weeks ago he messaged me just with the word “slut”. Then after that he sent me a screenshot of a flirtatious message that I had had with the guy I’m seeing now. He had finally charged the tablet and saw the messages after our breakup and decided that I was a slut for moving on. I felt kind of bad because it hit me that he hadn’t moved on at all, and that was very obvious since he was going through my stuff on an old tablet. So we got into another argument and he hasn’t talked to me since… thankfully. 

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